Political Dictionary

I got this in an email today:

Political Dictionary

PART I

compassionate conservatism n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

faith n. The stubborn belief that God approves of Republican moral values despite the preponderance of textual evidence to the contrary.

free markets n. Haliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

habeas corpus n. Archaic. (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use. (See Patriot Act)

Patriot Act n. 1. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first. 2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us.

pro-life adj. Valuing human life up until birth.


PART II

abstinence-only sex education n. Ignorance-only sex education.

alternative energy sources n. New locations to drill for gas and oil.

bankruptcy n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations.

"burning bush" n. A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire.

Cheney, Dick n. The greater of two evils.

China n. See Wal-Mart.

class warfare n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

climate change n. The blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

DeLay, Tom n. 1. Past tense of De Lie. 2. Patronage saint.

democracy n. A product so extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted.

dittohead n. An Oxy(contin)moron.

energy independence n. The caribou witness relocation program.

extraordinary rendition n. Outsourcing torture.

girly men n. Males who do not grope women inappropriately.

God n. Senior presidential adviser.

growth n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.

healthy forest n. No tree left behind.

homelandism n. A neologism for love of the Homeland Security State, as in "My Homeland, 'tis of thee, sweet security state of liberty..."

honesty n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march."

House of Representatives n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million. (See Senate)

laziness n. When the poor are not working.

leisure time n. When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s) n. Followers of the Antichrist.

neoconservatives n. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.

9/11 n. Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy, especially if unrelated. (See Deficit, Iraq War)

No Child Left Behind riff. 1. v. There are always jobs in the military. 2. n. The rapture.

ownership society n. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

Senate n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million.

simplify v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.

stuff happens interj. Slang. Donald Rumsfeld as master historian.

voter fraud n. A significant minority turnout.

Wal-Mart n. The nation-state, future tense.

water n. Arsenic storage device.

woman n. 1. Person who can be trusted to bear a child but can't be >\trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have the child. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.