Joke

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?

A: Lipstick You can feed a pit bull for 483 years with 150 grand.

via the JedReport

The Saturday Cartoons

From Bob Geiger.

Sometimes Laughter Is the Best Medicine

The Dow dropped more than 700 points today, so what's a girl to do? Spread internet jokes far and wide:

FINANCIAL CRISIS:

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $54.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

Another cracked calculation:

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Click Away

PalinAsPresident.com

Different things happen as you click or run your mouse over different things in the photo. Hilarious.

Just For Laughs

Flickr: "I can see Russia from my post!"

I received this in email:

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher
whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the
doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually
the topic got around to Palin and her bid.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a
'Post Turtle.'"

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what
a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a
country road you come across a fence post with a turtle
balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.'

"The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's
face so he continued to explain. "You know she
didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong
up there, and she doesn't know what to do while
she's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy
put her up there to begin with."

Just For Laughs

Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator

If I just put in my first name, I am Beretta Hockey Palin. (I rock!)

If I put in first and last, I am Shove Maggot Palin. (?????)

Mike Huckabee Parody Ad

It's only a minute, and you will laugh.

Breaking: Bush not a Chimp

Not George W. Bush, not a White House aide.
A young Chinese girl poses with a chimp at the Shanghai Wild Animal park, in May. Young chimpanzees have an extraordinary memory that is far better than that of adult humans, a Japanese study said Tuesday.(AFP/File/Mark Ralston)

Hmmmm, maybe I'll have to stop calling Georgie-Poo the Chimperor, and calling for Chimpeachment. Because a new study says chimps have much better memories than humans. And we all know that George isn't known for his memory. I mean, for crying out loud, he had to testify before the 9/11 Commission with Darth Cheney holding his hand. He's no chimp. He just plays one in the Oval Office.

AFP: Chimps have better memory than adult humans: study

TOKYO (AFP) - Young chimpanzees have an extraordinary memory that is far better than that of adult humans, a Japanese study said Tuesday.

The research, published in the US journal Current Biology, said young chimpanzees can remember numbers flashed on a computer screen after just one glance.

The Bush Library

Image from Channel Surfing

Bush Library

There's a show on C-SPAN about presidential libraries. Here're what the draft plans for the George W. Bush Library now call for:

The Alberto Gonzales Room - Where you can't remember any of the exhibits.

The Hurricane Katrina Room - It's still under construction.

The Texas Air National Guard Room - Where you don't have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room - Where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room - Where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room - Nobody has been able to find it.

The War in Iraq Room - After you complete your first tour, they can force you to go back for your second and third and fourth and fifth tours.

The K-Street Project Gift Shop - Where you can buy an election, or, if no one cares, steal one.

The Men's Room - Where you could meet a Republican Senator (or two).

To be fair, the President has done some good things, and so the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.

hat tip to Middle Earth Journal

Joke of the Day

Q: What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?

A: Rudy Giuliani doesn't know how to milk a cow.

Just For Laughs

In my office, that person is me.
A hilarious clip from Canadian TV (2000) with bonus appearances by Mike Huckabee, Chimpy McFlightsuit, and Tom Vilsack (via liberal catnip, a blog I recently discovered & mean to add to the blog roll. Note to self, update blogroll!)

Bob Geiger's Saturday Cartoons

Via Democratic Veteran, read Anthony Bourdain's takedown of the current 'chefs' on The Food Network.

Presidential candidate and serial liar John McCain comes out in favor of abstinence for the unmarried in his campaign today. Problem? Apparently Mr. FlipFlop Express was, himself, somewhat of a get-it-on-john. Whoops!

Tee Hee

Tom Delay started a blog! Then Tom Delay found out that blogs get comments. Tom Delay's blog got lots of very funny comments. And 75 minutes later, Tom Delay's blog was wiped of content.

Tom Delay deleted his blog, but a smart techie saved it: HERE.

I found the link at Crooks & Liars.

Saturday November 18th Blogtopia* Roundup

I want that drink. I need that drink? How long 'til this dumb dinner is over?

Actual caption: President Bush attends a dinner hosted by Vietnam's President Nguyen Minh Triet in Hanoi, November 17, 2006. (Reinhard Krause/Reuters)
New drinking game: Drink every time the media refers to Nancy Pelosi as 'Nancy'!

James Wolcott reports rumors that Bush is indeed drinking again.

Maru the Crankpot (WTF IS IT NOW?) links to this and many other funny posts (scroll up to see the post).

Glenn Greenwald: Cheney Administration is pathological, laughing as they shred the Constitution.

Soon to be former Congressman John Sweeney (R-Wife Beating and Drinking) in trouble again, this time for doctoring police records. Bye bye!

Professor Juan Cole at Informed Comment:

Bush went to Vietnam and boasted about how we would have won if we had not quit. This was, he said, the lesson for Iraq of the Vietnam War. He managed to be wrong about two wars at once and to anger both his hosts (how churlish!) and the Iraqi public. The American Right never admitted that they lost in Vietnam, thus the Rambo movies and, Melani McCallister argues, the US admiration for Entebbe. Iraq was their chance, they thought, to get it right. Bush had also said insulting things to the Philiippines about how wonderful it was that we had colonized them (and killed 400,000).

Colonialism is over with. When will they get that through their heads?

And actually we can't win in Iraq by just staying. Just like when you are sinking in quicksand, staying put is not a virtue.

Reminds me of the old joke about Bush. What's the difference between Iraq and Vietnam? Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam. Who knew the plan was not to go until 2006 and to have Air Force One at the ready?


*yes! skippy coined that phrase!

Tee Hee

I received this in email:

An old Arab lives close to New York City.

He would love to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e- mail.

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure if you were here you would help me dig up the garden."

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son at 3:45 pm: "Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. Love, Ahmed".

At 4:02 pm, the US Army, the Marines, the Rangers, the local police, officers from the Department of Homeland Security, the FBI and the CIA, visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed, they leave.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son: "Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. Love, Ahmed.

Gitchyer Stephen Colbert Here

Atrios says YouTube has been forced to pull its video of Colbert's Correspondent's Dinner speech; now you have to go to AOL to get his fabulous skewer job.

My favorite joke:

I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message: that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

St. Patrick's Day Joke Round-Up, Blogtopia Edition

booman tribune

skippy

dependable renegade

Just for Laughs

From Booman Tribune (picture courtesy West Virginia Public Accountants Association, tee hee):

Composer Passes []

From my friend Norma: With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny.

Actually, LaPrise died in 1996, and this joke has been slowly dancing through blogtopia since then.

Tee Hee

Received in email:

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac who
stayed up all night wondering if there was really a dog?

Groundhog Day

Received in email (must stop blogging and finish email....)

Subject: Groundhog Day

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a groundhog."

This joke would be much funnier if today were indeed Groundhog Day, but that's Thursday, February 2nd. Maybe it will work next year.

Joke of the Day

Another over the email transom:

Robot bartender

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says ... real ... slowly, "So ............. ya ....... gonna ....... vote ...... for ...... Bush ........ again?"