Thursday, March 15, 2007

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed Is The Easter Bunny

I have this Easter Bunny scoop EXCLUSIVELY here at Main St. USA based on superduper topsecret authority. Bushco is suppressing that particular confession for obvious reasons, as it does not fit into their "get Gonzo off the front pages" plan.

Apparently, while we've been torturing Mohammed for the past five years, he's confessed to EVERYTHING they've ever asked him about. 31 terrorist acts in total. Who'd a thunk it? Torture works. We get everything we want. He has also confessed to being the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and Borat.

WaPo (front page): Alleged Architect Of 9/11 Confesses To Many Attacks

Khalid Sheik Mohammed, the alleged mastermind of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, confessed at a Guantanamo Bay military hearing that he planned and funded that al-Qaeda operation and said he was involved in more than two dozen other terrorist acts around the world, according to documents released by the Pentagon yesterday.

In a rambling statement delivered Saturday to a closed-door military tribunal, Mohammed declared himself an enemy of the United States and claimed some responsibility for many of the major terrorist attacks on U.S. and allied targets over more than a decade. He said that he is at war with the United States and that the deaths of innocent people are an unfortunate consequence of that conflict.

"I was responsible for the 9/11 operation, from A to Z," Mohammed told a panel of military officers through a personal representative, who read off a list of 31 terrorist acts that were either carried out or planned but not executed. According to transcripts released by Defense Department officials last night, Mohammed later spoke in broken English and Arabic, saying, "For sure, I'm American enemies."

This last sentence proves that he is the real Borat.

I mean, really. The "hearing" at which Mohammed "testified" (in a language other than his own) took place on March 10th. The purpose is to determine whether he is an enemy combatant. The Washington Post has a pdf link to the entire transcript. On page 10, Mohammed asks to present witnesses. His request is denied on the grounds that his witnesses are not relevant. The 31 terrorist acts to which he confesses are presented in the form of a written list which is read into the record by his "Personal Representative" (question, was this a lawyer? Embarrassing if so.) This list was clearly written by someone other than Mohammed as his broken English is miraculously repaired. He says things like "I was the Media Operations Director", "I was the Operational Director", as though al Quada was really a modern US corporation. Jeez.

The whole thing is a kangaroo court and the corporate media is jumping up and down as though this farce had some basis for respect. It is a farce. The guy may be guilty as hell, but the US makes him look like a victim by torturing and railroading him. Couldn't we just have subjected him to the greatest legal system in the world? Just another way in which the Bush Administration has used 9/11 to attack our Constitution and degrade us in the eyes of the world. The shame.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's awesome that, WITHOUT DURESS, he used the term "id est" (i.e.) ["that is," "that is (to say)", "in other words", or sometimes "in this case", depending on the context. Never equivalent to exempli gratia (e.g.)] appropriately -- see page 17 ("I swore Bay'aat (i.e., allegience)to Sheikh Usama Bin Laden . . . ." I was also intrigued that he didn't adopt the U.S. corporate media translation and spell it Osama (thus avoiding USA in printing the name of our arch enemy), but stayed true to the translation used by the FBI and CIA (UBL). I'm not sure I could have been so grammatically and stylistically meticulous in similar circumstances. Strunk and White and William Safire must be very proud of the Easter Bunny.

He also confessed to being Bigfoot -- which is really true -- I mean, look how hairy he is, and if you've ever seen the film where Bigfoot is walking into the woods away from the camera. . . . oh, forget it.