I Wish I Wrote This

Esquire: TheSide: Blog
Why You Should Root for the Boston Red Sox
Because they represent everything that is good about America. (Of course, not everyone agrees with this.)

Read the whole thing; it's hilarious. For this:

I've left out some people, I'm sure, but that's basically your 2007 Boston Red Sox: two Japanese exchange students, a feisty runt, a tough-looking Jew, a Navajo Indian, an idiot-savant, a right-wing asshole, the human embodiment of charisma, and a man named after a breakfast cereal. That's America, right there. And, ain't that something worth cheering for?

And this:

Eric Gillin: The Colorado Rockies? Seriously? How can anyone cheer for the Colorado Rockies? They're like a bag of Wonder Bread with a jar of Miracle Whip -- a bland collection of forgettable ballplayers with candy-ass names like "Taylor" and "Jamey." If you could buy the Colorado Rockies in the grocery store, they'd come in a white box with giant black letters across the front saying BASEBALL TEAM. Their lineup looks like it came off a Mattel production line, a ball-free collection of multicultural Kens with the occasional goatee and the underwear already stamped in.

I know this is unfair, but I still consider the Rockies a bush league marketing ploy that allowed baseball to sell more black merchandise when all the pro sports leagues overexpanded in the 1990s. I know I'm going to regret this later, but right now I have trouble taking the franchise seriously. They play 5,000 feet above sea level. They've never won their own division. Their Website crashed when World Series tickets went on sale. Their uniforms don't have sleeves.

And this immortal video of Manny Ramirez petting Julian Tavares' head:

Manny pets Tavarez
Uploaded by bjs1234

Hat tip to Cursed to First.