Colonel Mustard in the Study with the Candlestick

I don't know how I missed this yesterday, but Sammy "I No Speaka Da English" Sosa gave a very lawyerly answer to the question, 'Did he do steroids?'. Tom Boswell in the Washington Post heard what I didn't: an answer with a loophole big enough to drive a hypodermic needle through.

And what of Sosa? He spoke in a soft voice. He brought an interpreter and a lawyer who read his statement for him despite the fact that those of us who know him from the baseball beat realize that he is perfectly fluent in English. That Sosa statement was a 99.9 percent total denial of any use of steroids. However, cynics may parse his words in search of legal loopholes.

"To be clear, I have never taken illegal performance-enhancing drugs. I have never injected myself or had anyone inject me with anything. I've not broken the laws of the Unites States or the laws of the Dominican Republic," Sosa's statement read. "I have been tested as recently as 2004 and I am clean."

It is an awful world we live in. Within minutes of the statement's dissemination a veteran baseball writer said, "So, I guess that doesn't quite cover taking steroids orally if they were prescribed legally by a Dominican doctor." .

I was so busy laughing at Sosa's assertion that he didn't use steroids that I missed the essence of his statement: He didn't deny it completely. Of course he didn't. He's one of the players whose steroid use made him resemble Mr. Potato Head.

Roger Maris and Henry Aaron are the home run kings, and these guys are the Juice Kings.